Give hugs to people whose kids aren’t with them. You’re not by yourself. Come together, let’s.
My former partner was very clear throughout our relationship that he never desired custody of our kids. However, as soon as I said the critical words, “spousal support and child support,” he became hostile and said that I was unsuitable to be raising our children—something I had been doing for more than 20 years. It’s a traditional strategy used by abusive people who want to keep their money for themselves, even if it means doing harm to their own kids.
It’s also classic that our kids supported him. Perhaps they were afraid of him. It’s possible that they were upset with me because they thought I was “very weak” for allowing them to be persuaded into leaving me. Maybe all they were doing was lamenting the end of their world and doing whatever they could to protect themselves.
Mother’s Day and every holiday since have been excruciating (as noted in an additional Atlantic Monthly essay that went viral on Facebook yesterday). In America, the focus of the holidays is family. I have very little; it’s just my dog, mom, and a couple of buddies. My family has always come first in my life. You already know that if you know me at all.
I can’t think of anything worse than friends (who frequently view me as a mother who avoids her children) wishing me a happy Mother’s Day knowing that my kids might not care to. Or strangers wishing you a happy Mother’s Day without understanding how difficult it is. Actually, they frequently tell other people what a lousy mother I was—another well-known story of domestic violence. If I were a “bad mother,” it would be acceptable to hurt and mistreat people. It validates taking my place in my children’s lives and causing them grief, absolving me of any responsibility as a mother or a person. It both justifies and encourages the abuse. That passage from 1984 about how the key to power is knowing how to control suffering is always posted by someone.
My heart goes out to all of you who are estranged from mothers who are abusive, disabled, or who did not live up to the unrealistic expectations that American society in the twenty-first century placed on them. It does, in fact. Kids should have loving, dependable parents who they can also love. They ought to have secure attachments. However, show some empathy for those who are divided and aloof. We give thought to our offspring. We adore them. We desire a presence in their life. The unsolved problems, the suffering, and the rage are spared us, yet there’s no end or resolution in sight.
Not everyone had a “happy” Mother’s Day.
As always, feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments below if you have any ideas for using AI to create comics. Thoughtful remarks and lively debate are always appreciated.
For those who are interested, here is the cartoon’s source of inspiration. Take note of how close it is, but in a serious “not what I asked for” way:
an old woman sitting by herself on a plain chair with a bent chair in front of her in a cartoon. Her face is troubled and wrinkled with a melancholy expression. Dim, spectral recollections of three girls playing together at different ages linger all around her. Three ghostly, brown figures of women with faces resembling toddlers play at the elderly woman’s feet are seen behind her. This suggests that the woman is thinking back to the time she spent caring for the three young girls in front of her, who have since grown into three different women.
